I'm Tom
and I do
Conflict
for
Nice
People.
"There is no change without confrontation."
I'm an Ex MMA fighter, coach and facilitator who specialises in conflict for nice people.
Conflict can mean learning to handle yourself physically. It can also be setting boundaries, speaking up for yourself, pushing back, or even making difficult decisions.
“There is no conflict on our planet at the level of needs.
Only in strategies to meet those needs.”
Marshall Rosenberg
““Think of conflict as neither good nor bad, but the appearance of difference.”
Mary Parker Follet
You might recognise yourself in these patterns already, and realise this could be for you.
If so, book in a chat and we can talk about ways we may be able to work together
If not, here are some examples of what nice person patterns look, sound and feel like.
Typical thought patterns might sound like:
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Why didn't I just say something?
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Why did I agree to that when I didn't want to?
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Why am I still thinking about this conversation six hours later?
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I knew exactly what I wanted to say afterwards. Why couldn't I say it at the time?
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Why do I either swallow things or wait until I'm furious?
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Am I being unreasonable?
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Maybe I should just let it go.
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But I always let it go...
Situations Nice people often find themselves in:
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You agree to something and immediately regret it.
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Someone crosses a line and you don't realise how angry you are until hours later.
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You rehearse a difficult conversation over and over, then soften it so much when it happens that nothing really changes.
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You're very good at understanding everybody else's point of view and increasingly unsure of your own.
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You stay in relationships, jobs or situations longer than you want to because leaving means disappointing someone.
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You can handle conflict perfectly well in your head. It's when another human being is actually in front of you that things change.
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You either avoid anger or occasionally find yourself expressing far more of it than you intended.
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You know something needs to change, but can't quite make yourself act.
What does recovery from these patterns look like?
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You're able to have difficult conversations you've been putting off, and actually say what you mean.
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Someone is disappointed or angry with you, and you don't immediately abandon your own position to make things okay.
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You say no without spending the next three days wondering whether you're a terrible person.
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You notice that something has crossed a line and deal with it there and then, rather than realising how angry you are six hours later.
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You make the decision you've been circling for months and get on with your life.
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You walk into physically intimidating situations knowing that if somebody pushes against you, you don't have to collapse, freeze or panic.
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You can feel anger without either swallowing it or throwing it at somebody.
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You can listen properly to someone else's side without losing track of your own.
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You feel confident asking for what you want or need, and can listen to what someone else wants or needs, without feeling obliged to say yes.
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You speak as your own authority, without needing to disappear under everyone else's opinion.
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You can disagree without worrying about being disliked.
All conflict is a doorway to growth.
Meeting it head on with the right tools, understandings and a nervous system that can handle emotion without becoming reactive,
opens up a world of opportunities.
The difference between "nice" and kind
Niceness is often a way we try to avoid conflict.
It omits things people might really need to hear, and attempts to "keep the peace" Even if that peace is stifling growth. Niceness is often fear in disguise.
Kindness is not always "nice". It can be telling someone a truth they've not been wanting to hear, or speaking up when someone oversteps a boundary so they know where the limits are. Kindness is love, and can mean growth through discomfort.
We're here to help each other, and part of that is respecting ourselves enough to ask for what we need, and respecting others enough that they can handle disappointments, rejections, grief and other challenging emotions without falling into reactivity. That's how we mature.
Self leadership is learning how to handle our own emotions in a well boundaried way, and moving from codependency (I need you to change before I feel ok) to emotional sovereignty (I decide how I feel by how I choose to see this). This is a powerful place to be and lights the way for others, whenever they're ready to notice.
Saying no is easy when nobody minds, It's much harder when someone you care about is disappointed, angry or hurt, and every part of you is pushing to make that feeling go away.
Often knowing what to do isn't the problem
Talk therapy is often great at identifying the reasons for problems, and getting to understandings of why things are the way they are. It's useful when restructuring the mind. However, often people know a lot about why they are the way they are, and yet the change in behaviour and feeling still remains elusive.
Sometimes we don't have the appropriate understandings or language to understand and hold multiple truths, perspectives and contexts at the same time.
Our bodies still respond to disagreement as if it were a mortal threat.
We default to survival responses such as shutting down, defensiveness or appeasement. Blood moves from the smart parts of our brain and organs into our limbs, as it gets ready to fight, run away or freeze up.
These are survival patterns we often learned when we were small, before our rational minds had fully developed, and we were much more vulnerable and dependent. They're powerful body responses to the perception of threat. But in our current life circumstances they tend to be much more obsolete and require physically updating.
Underneath all that, in the moment, we often find a very real tension between two fundamental needs: The need for security, and the need to express ourselves authentically.
That's usually where it hurts most.
It's also why simply knowing that you “need better boundaries” or "should speak up"
isn't usually enough to change behaviour.
Not everybody starts in the same place, so we don't always go through a "fixed" process, but we do work through a structure.
We look at what hurts, where it hurts, when it hurts, how it hurts, what it's connected to and how you want it to be different. Then we begin releasing stress patterns through the body, and recalibrating them in the mind.
We look at language, internalising new understandings and contexts for whats happening that allow the nervous system to respond with calm instead of adrenaline.
Sometimes the work is really practical; Preparing for a conversation, making a decision, learning to set a boundary, trying something differently in the world. But often that comes after the emotional tension thats holding the pattern has been addressed.
For some this process can take longer than other depending on the severity and depth of the conditioning, but within 12 weeks we have often established a totally new baseline for behaviour and a new sense of ease and confidence moving forward.
Want to work physically?
I also work with people in person using boxing, wrestling, breathwork and physical embodiment practices whether that's to develop practical combat skills and confidence, explore anger and aggression, or simply because you want to learn to box. This can be booked separately or incorporated into our work together where appropriate.
Nothing here is particularly mysterious.
These are all skills people can recover and learn.
Some of them took me a long time to learn by myself.
And wish I'd have had someone in my corner with experience.
If there are things in your life you're struggling to say, face, decide or do...
If I think I can help, I'll tell you how.
If it doesn't feel like a good fit, I'll let you know.
Conflict for Nice People
12 weeks
This is one-to-one work built around the situations in your life that you're ready to change.
• 12 × 90-minute private sessions
• Individual practices/work between sessions
• Personalised workbook of learnings
• Initial and final review against what you came in wanting to change
• Online worldwide / in person in Bath, UK where practical
Between sessions, you'll have things to notice, practise or actually do in your life.
We adjust according to your progress.
£2,100
As a safeguard, If we get a couple of sessions in and either of us decides this this work isn't for you, the remaining balance for the unused weeks will be refunded.